I pride myself on being prepared. You would laugh at the amount of things I carry in my purse “just in case.” Tide to go sticks, safety pins, scissors, granola bars, at least two books, and a Sharpie are staples in my purse (which is actually a backpack weighing several pounds). But, to be honest, nothing can fully prepare you for parenting through the teenage years. I don’t say that as a doomsday prophet as we have actually found these years to be delightful in many ways; rather,I say it as honestly and hopefully as I can.

Something about the widening world of teenagers and the narrowing illusion of control as parents sends the soul of a parent into a whole new land of deepening dependence. Thankfully, the growing feeling of powerlessness can lead to an earnestness in prayer and a clinging to God’s promises. The following ten phrases circulate through my heart and our household regularly. They have been serving as sign posts as we pass through these uncharted years with our teens.

1. The Future Isn’t Fragile. The wild unknowns of life beyond high school can create a pressure cooker. It is easy to begin to buy the lie that the future is fragile and can be thrown off by a poor grade or an off day as an athlete or one-too-few AP tests. But God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power and love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1: 6–7). Our God stands outside of time, holds our times in His love-scarred hands, and steers them towards his good purposes (Psalm 31: 15; Romans 8:28–32). For the believer, the future is as solid as our Savior.
2. Smooth seas don’t make strong sailors. As a mother, I hate to see a soul storm, a circumstantial squall, or an emotional hurricane rip through my sons’ lives. When they were young, I was able to offer solutions to most of their small storms. But, as they grow older and their storms grow larger, I find myself just as powerless as them. In those moments, I remind myself that God makes men through trial, tribulation, opposition, and failure. God never promised us a walk through the park; rather, he assured us not only that we would see much trouble in this life but also that He has already overcome the world (John 16: 33). Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all (Psalm 34: 19).
3. There is nothing you do alone. When my children were young, I was able to accompany them most places. As they grow, I accompany them less and less; however, that does not leave them alone. My children follow Christ, which means that the Third Person of the Trinity literally keeps them in constant company (John 14: 15–26). Through the Spirit, God fulfills his promise to be with his people always, even to the end of the age (Matthew 28: 20).
4. God deals directly with his children. God doesn’t have grandchildren. In these teenage years, I have to remind myself weekly that my children are mine on loan. As my role in their life moves from central to a more peripheral role, I struggle with releasing my children and continually entrusting them to the One with whom they have to do. I want to interject my plans, my desires, and my designs for their lives. The Lord has to continually remind me that, while I am the parent, he is the potter (Isaiah 64:8; Jeremiah 18: 1–4).
5. He writes stories not formulas. Beware of those selling simple formulas that don’t fit the complexity of the experience or suit the depth of a soul. Our God writes stories that are as unique and nuanced as his people. Formulas tighten us and train us in a transactional view of God. Stories lead us to humbly submit to a God whose ways are not our ways, whose thoughts are higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55: 8–9). The best stories involve deep conflict, mystery, and opposition. They are not simple, but, in the end, they are deeply satisfying.
6. You can’t judge a story that isn’t over. The teenage years trend toward extreme feelings and statements: this is the worst, this is the best, everything is ruined, everything is perfect. It takes work to teach our children to stay in the story that is unfolding rather than seek to stamp judgment on it, either for good or ill. He who began a good work in them will carry it towards completion (Philippians 1:6).
7. Everything looks better bathed in new morning mercies. Some days in the teenage years feel like decades (not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually). The good days are glorious, but the hard days are harrowing. Sometimes, the best thing we can offer our teens is a quiet room and a pillow. Everything looks better when the brain and body have taken their God-given, God-ideated hours of sleep. New mercies await us all in the morning (Lamentations 3: 21–24).
8. There is no growth without discomfort. Just as they didn’t get those awkward, lanky legs without growing pains, their souls won’t stretch without some discomfort. When my boys are suffering or simply being stretched, I empathetically ache with them; however, I would be stealing from them to take away any discomfort God intends for them. “Suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who had been given to us” (Romans 5: 3–5).
9. Pleasure is a by-product of purpose and presence. The world telling our teens to chase pleasure. YOLO. The world is your oyster. These are the days. It is counter-cultural but well-proven that chasing pleasure is a sure-fire way to kill it. Pleasure is a by-product of a life of purpose and presence. When we seek first the kingdom of God, all we need is added unto us. We don’t need to chase like world, we need to follow God’s word and his ways (Matthew 6: 32–33). “In God’s presence is fullness of joy, at his right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16: 11). Seek him and his presence, and pleasures are sure to come. My persistent prayer for my boys is that they would have a purpose beyond their own pleasure.
10. I may not have the answers, but I can offer you questions. The proverbs wisely tell us that the heart of a man is like deep waters (and the heart of a teenager feels like the Mariana Trench). A man of understanding can help draw a person out (Proverbs 20:5). As much as I want to offer answers, the best thing I can offer during these years are evocative, earnest, empathetic questions.

These ten phrases and their undergirding Scriptural promises will by no means prepare you for the teenage years. But, perhaps, they will serve as signposts through the deep yet deeply beautiful unknown.