I hate to be late. I hate it so much that I am chronically early in a way that irks my family something fierce. That said, this year, I have been slow to believe the Lord. My faith has been belated.

The mix of processing my own midlife disappointments (mostly with myself ), walking teenagers through their own deep disappointments, and the reality of the cost of college created a God-ordained concoction to expose the fragility of my faith. This year, I’ve spent more time mentally trying to make 2 plus 2 make 20,000 financially than I care to admit. I’ve memorized Scripture, journaled all the things, and prayed more honestly and earnestly to the Lord than I have in years.

I’ve wanted to believe God would provide a way for college when it seemed like a financial impossibility. I’ve wanted to have strong faith that looks at my Strong Savior with confidence rather than at my situation with cowering. I’ve wanted every trial, every fear, every seemingly out-of-control circumstance to train me and stretch my capacity for faith; however, it felt like the opposite happened. Every bump or burden seemed to only expose my faith as anemic.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve lamented my own lack of faith and borrowed the prayers of the desperate father “I believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24). My prayer throughout this season of wrestling has been, “Lord, help me to learn my lessons.” We are doing this whole launching a son situation again next year, so I want to be a more faith-filled version of myself for the next go-round.

As I have been doing a deep dive into the book of Isaiah, a simple line from the introduction of J. Alec Motyer’s Commentary settled in my soul as the balm I desperately needed. In speaking about God’s graciousness even to Hezekiah who was slow to heed Isaiah’s prophetic call to simple reliance upon God rather than complicated plans and alliances, Motyer writes, “Belatedly taking up a position of faith, Hezekiah found the Lord to be as good as his word, and the king and city were rescued.”

One short(ish) sentence seemed to sum up the wrestling of the past year. Our long-suffering, merciful God blesses even belated faith. Hezekiah struggled–and the nation of Israel with him– but he learned his lesson, by God’s grace. He forgot that God was true to His Word, but God helped him to remember. It seems that even belated faith pleases him (Hebrews 11:6).

This year, my faith has not been punctual; it has been slow and sluggish despite all my best efforts to shore it up. But, all along, God was teaching me my lesson: faith is a gift from God, not a work (Ephesians 2:–10). I know this. I’ve studied and taught this passage. I share it all the time, but I don’t think my soul knew it every well. It seems striving has stained my soul more deeply than I know.

By His grace, I am learning my lessons– not because I am an A-student, but because He is the perfect teacher. He knows every weak point in my soul. He knows every lie lodged deeply in my story. And He perfectly orders and orchestrates my life in such a way as to give me more of Him.

After scores of hours working on more scholarship applications than I can count only to get denied or hear nothing, my son and I were sinking into defeat. Every carefully ordered scheme we prayerfully submitted to Him seemed to come up empty. Even the work study program he applied to was a denial. But something shifted in my soul somewhere along the way. God strengthened my faith in Him, not in our plans or prowess.

In the end– literally, the very end– God provided in ways that we didn’t even think were possible. We are in shock at His faithful provision, though we shouldn’t be. I have every reason to trust His character, but, like Hezekiah, my faith came late in the game.

It’s been a humbling year. He has been a faithful God. He blesses even belated faith even when the faith itself is ultimately a gracious gift from Him.

Are there areas where you are wrestling to take God at His Word? Promises that seem not only improbable but impossible? Does your faith feel anemic?

I pray that the Redeemer would add rebar to your sinking faith, that our wonder-working God would meet your weak faith with his strong faithfulness. I pray that you, too, would learn your lessons, not by grit, but by His grace.