Phin is four weeks today. I cannot believe how quickly these days are flying by, I wish I could halt time and slow the demands of life down and just stare at him so I wouldn’t miss one smile or one sound or one cry. He is a noisy little fella, he sleeps loud, he dreams and coos loud, he poops loud, and when he cries, he cried loud. But then again, to make it in this house of busy boys and noise, God knew he needed to be loud. G has little nicknames for each of our boys that he gives them when they are just days old, and G dubbed Phin his little champ. What a fitting name, indeed. The little champ can sleep through saws and high-powered drills (yes, we built a deck in the midst of all the other changes, because we are Joseph’s and that is what we do!). He seems to come to life with Ty and Eli screaming, jumping, ninjagoing (lego-speak for being ninjas), and other such testosterone-filled pass times all around him. He sleeps and coos through swim lessons while I sit and stare at him, attempting to catch my breath.
You see, though everyone told me, I am stubborn and had to learn for myself that three kiddos has a way of bringing you to the end of yourself. It’s just that there are so many needs, so many convos they want to have, Legos that need finding, tummies that need feeding, books that need reading and rereading. I am a huge believer that for kids, love equals time; and it seems that I just don’t have enough love and focused attention to go around. The boys are so gracious and flexible with me, in fact, I think I am having the hardest time with the daily rediscovery of my limitations.
Though I have known cerebrally that I cannot possibly meet their every need, in some ways, on good days, with two I felt like I could be all that they needed me to be. Thank God that He won’t let me live in lies and through Phin man has again been showing me that what they need (my sweet hubby included) is Him, lots more of Him. I found myself praying the other day that God would fill in the gaps in my love. Then the Spirit quickly reminded me that all of it has to be Him. He is all of my love, not just putty to fill in the gaps of my love.
My time has been more limited these days, too. It’s not that we did all at much before Phin man joined our clan. But even taking a shower or going to get milk or going to the library can sometimes feel tantamount to climbing a mother’s Mount Everest. The other day, when I was struggling with more demands on my time, the lord allowed me to write the poem below in raw honesty while He massaged the truth back into my twisted heart.
I am beginning to see the limitations in my heart and life as signs of His love and commitment to me and them. I am not bound with chains as a slave but bound for glory. When I realize that, I am able to hold Phin and enjoy the glorious little creation that he is, even in the midst of 2,000 other demands on my time.
Thanks for letting me love on you and also learn from you, Phin man. I can’t wait to get to know us both more as long as the Lord allows me to be your momma!
They say “Children tie the mother’s feet,”
And today my heart and feet feel bound.
Tired and limited, encumbered, heavy,
Weighted by responsibilities all around.
But you are a liberator, not a captor,
As seen by Your life and Your word.
I know You come to give true life,
Allow me to believe all I’ve heard.
Because latent desires abruptly awake,
Taunting because they sit unfulfilled.
Ambition and longings stirred up again,
Churning and needing to be stilled.
It seems crazy that I could be crying
Holding so perfect a gift.
But another life means more death to self,
And my flesh is resisting this shift.
“Better is one day in your house,” I read.
A content doorkeeper I long to be.
But the flesh in my splintered self
Is waging a war within me.
It’s not like we haven’t been here before,
You and I, we know this path well.
But You love me enough to walk it again,
To let me cry and vent and tell.
If I am bound, I’m bound for more,
More of You, Your Word and your ways.
What I see as limits are really your love,
So in the present teach me to praise.